Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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