I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
