she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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