3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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