I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I can't turn off my feet"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
