everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
