the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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