Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
