she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
