There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
