turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
