K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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