I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
