dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
