Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
