i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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