I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
