I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
