omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
