I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
