Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
