last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
