dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The struggles of a small town man whore
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
