Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do vagina's smell?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
