I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
