After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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