the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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