Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
