I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
