I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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