Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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