it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
