dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
