roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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