Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize