just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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