Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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