you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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