watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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