I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
