She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
