The maid of honor just puked.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
