It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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