you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
