i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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