God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I will die if light touches me.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
