I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
