Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
