apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
