Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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