First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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