I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
