So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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