3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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