You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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