one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
