Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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