i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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